Firstly there was recap from last night's talk:
1. Principle of paradigm shift - neuro elasticity - in control of your life based on your life- scientific or mathematical conundrum where something happens in order to change how you see something. In Jewish ideology we are the agent of our paradigm shift.
2. Mothers's job is to Judge favorably and to reframe situations
3. When we blame and complain we reinforce the negative
4. Everyone's ladder of growth is different
5. This trip and gathering is the anti high school and the antidote to mean girls.
Then she delved into this morning's talk:
It was about many things but one of the key areas of focus was relationships - she started off by saying sometimes divorce is a mitzvah. If a marriage is killing you, you cut it off. But if it hurts and aches you work at it to heel it.
A few times she repeated "You marry your home work or you give birth to it or sometimes both." And I thought what? Husband and children? They're both work. Buttom line what I got out of it was that relationships are work. And successful relationships are nurtured and cared for in ways that create love, hope and intimacy spiritually, emotionally and physical.
"Courage is not the absence of fear but the decision that something is more important than my fear. ".
This was a quote by someone of importance whose name I didn't catch but which resonated with me. So much of what has held me back in the past in changing jobs or trying new things was fear based. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. Just raw unedited fear. It's real and can be crippling.
This trip to Israel is much much more than just a trip to israel. This trip is about finding deeper meaning as a mother, as a wife, and as a woman. Connecting Jewish to all those sides of. Yael's within a community of encouragement looking to do the same. So much in a family is rooted in what I have to offer as a wife and as a mother. Having boys, the role I play in their lives is significant and can shape who they become as future fathers and husbands.
Moving back to Adriennes's talk, she spoke of Ahava. The word Ahava In Hebrew means love and at its root is the word av - to give - LOVE who you give to - babies are born helpless so we can give to them - it's that caring that creates a commitment for love. We love when we focus on the goodness of our beloved and look away from that which is not so beautiful to us. So with our kids we love them unconditionally and if they mess up we forgive and forget and move on. But, with spouses we often don't forgive or forget and therefore don't love unconditionally the person we are forever bound with.
LOVE moves through phases.
The goal of marriage is to reenter the orignal oneness of original man - the original soul of mankind was both hermaphroditic and androgynous. So man and woman together, husband and wife, pulled together represent both genders.
Friction and stress helps the interlocking of a relationship.
The things we struggle with the most in the world are things we disallow in our selves.
Adrienne then asked us a question and asked us to journal the answer and then discuss with the person sitting next to us.
Her Question?
In a loving relationship with children or spouse, ask yourself what trait or quality in my spouse do I feel that compelled me at first that began to unnerve me later. OR What quality in my child triggers me and where in that trigger can I identify my own disowned traits.
Well, I won't discuss the specifics of my answer here. However, a while ago I came to realize that those things that are good in a person are also those things that are difficult to deal with in person. Almost like the two sides to a coin or a person's yin or yang.
Adrienne also spoke about how our children for a brief time LOVE us so unconditionally that all that is yucky about us they love - we can do no wrong. She goes on to say that we often have it in reverse that we love our children the way we should love our spouses and the spouses like our children. Our goal is to take children to independence to turn them into someone's else's spouse. The person you picked is your eternity. Not the one you birthed. Endless love should be our spouse. This is a paradigm shift and to have long term marriage success we must invert the ways in which we love our spouses as they should be the ones we love unconditionally.
All of our flaws and behaviors - some we conquer and some we masquerade. We all have issues. When we are married we shouldn't over focus on the issues as some of those can plague us for life. When you love someone, consider building on that which is good. The goal of marriage is to return to the state of oneness. Like original man. Your growth comes from the difficult not from the easy. Wowzers! This was so profound and rather fascinating.
Some ancient people have bred themselves out of existence because of celibacy. Judaism celebrates intimacy within a framework that allows for the space to live a healthy and connected intimate togetherness.
Neurons that fire together wire together. The Jewish approach to love and intimacy requires that we understand that pleasure is a glue that keeps you together.
As an excellent speaker, Adrienne pulled us back full circle and offered a wonderful recap:
1. Struggles you have with your partner or your own self can be reflections of your self struggles
2. Ultimate paradigm shift - LOVE your spouse as your child. See the positive.
3. Goal of marriage is not interdependence or individuality but the return to oneness that was the original being.
4. Intimacy in marriage is not just glue. But water in the dessert quenches thirst. Drink the water!
What a fantastic way to start the day (that and the endless breakfast buffet of cheese, boreakas and halva). Can't wait to see what else awaits.
